the holes in it
that which motivates us

Got some breathing room

A funny thing has happened lately.  I finally feel like I'm able to breathe again.  Except I didn't know that I hadn't been breathing... until I started again, you know?  Like something in my chest relaxed, unfurled, took a nice stretch and yawn, and until that happened I never realized I had gotten used to being tight. 

It's not like things were bad, because they weren't.  (I'm big on perspective, you know.  Maybe it's sanity, maybe it's a cop out, but it certainly is a convenient way to bitch slap yourself down and repress when you just need to keep moving.)  But there has been an underlying anxiety snaking it's way through my life since about... oh, let's see... started trying to get pregnant, had red flags come up with Chance, started a new job... so it's been building up since about October of 2007. 

It was trying to get pregnant and Chance's issues that were big ones.  And there were a lot of little ones. The education system and Chance's place in it was continuously freaking me out.  You can't try to get pregnant without feeling like a giant FAIL when it doesn't happen.  The job was just another item on top of the pile of time over-commitments that I seem to specialize in. 

But without me noticing the tension has begun to ease up.  I see a huge difference in Chance since he's been in OT (ten months, now, can you believe it?) - enough so that I feel like he's doing fine... regardless of the occasional teacher who doesn't want to be bothered.  We're still trying to get pregnant but I don't feel so heartbroken about the process anymore.  I dropped out of a bunch of activities that were causing me anxiety *cough playgroup cough*.  I started finding and hanging out more with people I felt connected to.  (Last week I went swing dancing and saw The Offspring in concert.  Must do more!)  I've got plans for the near future that I'm really excited about.

I am feeling comfortable in my life again.

It's funny how much you can miss something without realizing that it's missing in the first place.

         - wg


Comments

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

It makes me happy to read this post because I'm glad you're feeling this way. I imagine it must feel like a weight has been lifted.

I remember a few years ago, during an initial therapy session, the therapist said the first thing I needed to do was breath. I thought it was odd. Then she showed me how I absolutely wasn't. My shoulders were always up toward my ears and I was carrying everyone else's stuff with mine, and I was taking tiny, tiny breaths. Some days I still have to remind myself to still do it.

Chag

Glad to hear you got some breathing room.

But I'm extremely jealous that you got to see The Offspring and go swing dancing! How was the show?

the weirdgirl

FADKOG - Thanks. And me, too, I have to remind myself not to wear my shoulders as earrings. I think what's helped lately is just talking. Talking with my real and true friends. Makes a world of difference, talking does.

Chag - Really good, dude. I'd definitely see them again!

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