A funny thing has happened lately. I finally feel like I'm able to breathe again. Except I didn't know that I hadn't been breathing... until I started again, you know? Like something in my chest relaxed, unfurled, took a nice stretch and yawn, and until that happened I never realized I had gotten used to being tight.
It's not like things were bad, because they weren't. (I'm big on perspective, you know. Maybe it's sanity, maybe it's a cop out, but it certainly is a convenient way to bitch slap yourself down and repress when you just need to keep moving.) But there has been an underlying anxiety snaking it's way through my life since about... oh, let's see... started trying to get pregnant, had red flags come up with Chance, started a new job... so it's been building up since about October of 2007.
It was trying to get pregnant and Chance's issues that were big ones. And there were a lot of little ones. The education system and Chance's place in it was continuously freaking me out. You can't try to get pregnant without feeling like a giant FAIL when it doesn't happen. The job was just another item on top of the pile of time over-commitments that I seem to specialize in.
But without me noticing the tension has begun to ease up. I see a huge difference in Chance since he's been in OT (ten months, now, can you believe it?) - enough so that I feel like he's doing fine... regardless of the occasional teacher who doesn't want to be bothered. We're still trying to get pregnant but I don't feel so heartbroken about the process anymore. I dropped out of a bunch of activities that were causing me anxiety *cough playgroup cough*. I started finding and hanging out more with people I felt connected to. (Last week I went swing dancing and saw The Offspring in concert. Must do more!) I've got plans for the near future that I'm really excited about.
I am feeling comfortable in my life again.
It's funny how much you can miss something without realizing that it's missing in the first place.