You Give Me Fever (and I give you general goofiness)
My Ball and Chain (and no, it's not my husband)

Dildos and Cough Drops

I’ve been dragging around the edges of this cold when I suddenly realized I hadn’t posted in days. Complete space.

And since I’m still a little spacey I thought I’d go back to the one or two commenter suggestions I’ve got left. (Still working on that mammary one, though, it’s just not gelling.  *snick*) I’ve decided to tackle “Embarrassing Moments” courtesy of Andrea.  Tackle is actually the right word here because I don’t get embarrassed all that easily. The moments have been pretty rare and as I get older they’ve been even less frequent; I think it’s a combination of better mouth control and just not giving a shit.  The times that immediately come to mind fall more under the range of “total humiliating failure” more than your everyday “embarrassment”: both incidences of which involved being pressured as a teen into performing music in public, once with piano and another time with hammer dulcimer.  Total. Choke. Some of us aren’t meant to be performers (which real performers never seem to understand!).

So I’ve had to think about this quite a while to come up with some general embarrassing moments. Like the time I inadvertently made a comment about needing a nap after sex. I was at work and I just hadn’t meant to make that comment out loud.  In front of my male coworkers who bust out laughing. But still that’s only a five-minute embarrassing moment, you know?  Anyway, so I continued to search my fading memory for appropriate examples… and then I remembered THAT TIME.

Picture if you will a young couple in love.  I was 19, Keen was 20. He proposed a trip down to Disneyland because I had never been and we took in some general sightseeing as well.  Now please note, Keen was only my second serious boyfriend.  I had done some dating in highschool but, whereas today I meet young ladies who talk about their sexual experiences at 15 and their sex toy collections at 16… I was not that girl! I was more that nerdy girl who hung around with the guys. Think Ugly Betty, but not so high-strung. It never occurred to me to “explore my sexual power”, much less cruise through lingerie catalogs or buy the accessories to hook a hottie (or go it alone).  What can I say?  I was a gawky teen and a late-blooming one at that.

Fast forward a couple of years… by that time (obviously) I was no longer virginally-challenged but I still wasn’t altogether comfortable proclaiming my sexuality to the world. It was “private”. Bedroom matters stayed in the bedroom.  Blah blah blah.  But of course, I was still curious about all things sex. I just never used the word “orgasm” in group conversations (back then).

So me and Keen are in the Hollywood and Vine area on this trip when we come across a… you guessed it… a huge lingerie/sex shop.  Being that I am curious, and it wasn’t in our home town, I timidly followed Keen into the store. At first it was just honest perusing of the lingerie and discreet snickering of the sexual aids.  We slunk (or maybe that was just me) around the store poking at this or that, trying to figure out what a few items were used for, and definitely avoiding the sales people.  After a few moments I felt comfortable enough to wander away from Keen and started flipping through a rack of teddies.  And that’s when Keen decides to call to my attention the biggest frickin’ dildo I had ever seen!  This thing was so big it could be seen by horny aliens in outer space.  And at that point I hadn’t seen any damn dildos in real life and I still knew this was enormous.  Like, probably 20 feet long!  And not altogether stiff.  And very, very flesh-colored. Keen calls to me loudly across the room and then JIGGLES it in my direction!  Laughing.

Needless to say with a 19-year-old girl who is still skittish about her sexuality, my face froze into mortified oh-my-god-church-girl horror and I turned and ran out of that den of sexual iniquity.  Or rather, the den of horrifyingly embarrassing dildo encounters.

A word of advice, just in case I have any young male readers (doubtful) who are just embarking on new love… don’t shake any dildos at your girl.  Especially in public.

Unless she starts it.         

- the weirdgirl

Comments

ann adams

Sorry about the creeping crud and hope it leaves soon.

Even at my age, I've never entered one of those shops. That admission from liberated me is embarrassing in and of itself.

An extremely belated Happy Anniversary to both of you.

Andrea

Oh, that's classic! One night when my husband was still my fiancé, he brought home (he swears as a joke but I was never really totally sure) the biggest, flesh colored but plasticky looking dildo I've ever seen. He had me close my eyes and lay down on our bed, and then he flopped this thing down on my chest. The weight of it damn near knocked the wind out of me. The worst thing about it was that the...erm...non-business end of the thing had a suction cup on it so that it could be affixed to a surface. I guess because the weight would wear out someone's arm in seconds, who knows. We joked about it forever and a day, until finally, he bequeathed the behemoth to a friend on a bachelor party. I was never happier to see something of ours that was never put to use (because who realistically could use such a thing in all seriousness???) be given away to someone else.

Thanks for sharing your embarrassing story!

croutonboy

Shaking dildos at people is a bad thing? That explains why I never get promoted at my last job....

Fuzz

That has to be the best post title ever.

the weirdgirl

Ann, you're not missing anything. Besides, that's what the Internet is now for... and no one will jiggle anything at you.

Andrea, some of those things could seriously be used as weapons! I wonder what would be more effective on a burglar? Chasing them with a baseball bat or a giant dildo?

CroutonBoy, it IS such a fine line! Maybe we should consult Miss Manners?

Fuzz, why thank you. I try hard. *snicker*

Scott

This is really addressed to Keen, and all of us other guys who've done silly stuff like that: "Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement!"

Sex Toys

That's awesome. I'm so glad you started blogging and that I can call you my friend. Keep posting and I'll keep reading.


James Addison

Oh!its very nice.That has to be the best post.Thanks...
http://www.adultoysuk.co.uk/

Dildos

Keep up the good posts, who doesn't like dildos right?

Huge dildos

Such a funny heading?

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