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In lieu of a title... bunnies! flowers!

Sanjaya Wears Panties!

One of the recent fallouts from packing up the house has been the inability to avoid a most dreaded and dire task… cleaning through my clothes closet. I have literally been putting this off since I had Chance. (He’s… oh, what?... TWO now?) I started the task half-heartedly a few times, moving things into piles and what not. The pile of clothes I might yet fit into (if I lose a few pounds), the pile of stuff that I might still wear (even though I haven’t in ages), the pile that I’m definitely giving away if only I could sort, wash, and nicely fold them all first. I had bins, and piles, and laundry baskets that never seemed to empty because frankly, I just couldn’t fit all the clothes into my dressers (yes, that was plural). You all know the drill. We do these things. We just do.

So in a way, it was a relief moving. Time to purge, baby! Screw the mend, tailor, adjust through vaguely thought out creative sewing project pile. Forget washing, folding, making things pretty to give away. And definitely piss on the “I might fit into it again” heap. The faded jeans? Gone. The stretch mark baring shirts? Gone. The shoes… OK, we keep the shoes. Everything else is going to Goodwill! YEAH, baby! I am FREE!  And I am moving to a house with a 200-square-foot closet that I can fill up with new items. I am WALKING… no, running… RUNNING ON AIR!

And then I came to a screeching halt. As I was sorting out my drawers I realized… I needed new underwear.

Crap. Just… crap.

We all have our weirdo blocks and one of mine is panties. Blame it on my environmentally conscious parents or rather frugal upbringing but I have issues with underwear; at the point where you need new ones - you know soft and maybe stretched out a tad, a few holes starting right around the waistband, the tendency to sag, ride up your butt, or poof out the top of jeans - I have The Hardest Time throwing them away. Why? Because, except for the worn bits at the waistband, all that material is still Perfectly Good. (And my parents taught me not to throw out things that are Perfectly Good!) Nice, solid, usable cotton, often in really cute little prints. The undies are not so far gone - massive holes, nasty stains (Keen, stop wearing them!) - as to let me throw them away with a clear conscience, and yet they aren’t comfortable anymore. 

So what to do with them?!

Sadly, my little mind actually will try to think up creative ways to use that Perfectly Good material. I could… cut up the panties for quilting pieces. I could… use them as cute sew-on appliqués for jeans. Ooh, ooh! I could cut them into squares and embroider them as handkerchiefs!!! I could give them to all my friends! Or wait… I could sell them on the Internet! Everyone needs handkerchiefs. WG’s Cozy Creations!  I’ll become rich off my used underwear! (I wouldn’t get sued if I didn’t use the crotch, right?)

To make matters worse, one of the most common shopping blunders is buying panties of an unfamiliar brand. Usually one (by which I mean, me) finds a brand that works and then sticks with them. No deviations, no experimentation, just keep your panties in a well-known bunch. However, sometimes circumstances force you to change… such as butt, thighs, and hips changing ever-so-slightly from pregnancy. Suddenly the old brand binds a little. And because panty shopping is not high on my list of priorities (though, it should be) most of the time I seem to be buying from a catalog or in a place where I don’t have the time to try them on (and really, trying on panties in the store is NOT the same as wearing them for an hour under your jeans; you just cannot predict the ride up factor) so there is lots of room for error. And what happens to those failed deficient undergarments? They sit there in my drawer (next to the old ones that I still haven’t thrown away).  For quite a long time. Because they are Perfectly Good… they just don’t work for me. 

Obviously, I have a problem. (And don’t get me started on bras.)

So I’m still at a loss. Keen has offered to rip the panties off me during… um… “intimate” moments, but really, how many times can you do that before it just turns into a chore? “Hey honey, here’s another one… rip ‘em! Rip ‘em good!”  “Yeah yeah yeah…whatever.” 

As a stop-gap, I’ve been contemplating sending old pairs of panties to C-list celebrities. With nice supportive messages written out in glitter on them, of course… “Don’t think you’ll have a singing career but good luck!” or “Caught your last movie… at least you’re pretty.”  

I figure the C-listers don’t get a whole lot of fan panties. They might really appreciate them.  - wg

Comments

Jennifer

Depends on whether they go commando or not...

I too had a really hard time with knickers. In Europe, they just ain't the same and I have lots of pairs that I'll never wear because "HELLO!" the size that the package said they would be... lied and are two sizes too small.

So I had to get all gung ho and go to the gap. At least their sizes make sense to this poor beleagured north american...

mrsmogul

Who would be a C-Lister? Hmm let's see....CHYNA DOLL!! I think they would appreciate anby panties or fans LOL.

ktjrdn

Underwear shopping is the bane of my existence. Ok. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little....

markira

Please, please do not ever send me a panty quilt. Thank you. mk

(who realizes perfectly well that I am not even on your Christmas card list, but I prefer to take no chances here.)

the weirdgirl

Panty shopping is literally a pain. People keep telling me to go for thongs - less material means less room for error, right? - but I still haven't found a pair that don't feel like a string up my butt.

What? No one wants a panty quilt?! But it's coming along fabulously!!

Riley

Mailing old panties to celebrities is the FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER READ. seriously. Oh my god. I want to go do that now. You're a bloody genius. You remind me of a short flash story I read on Opium.com, in which, among other things, the main guy mails his old suit to Nicholas Cage.

air

I think the best blog posts (on this, and all other blogs) are the ones that reveal just a little too much information (from a normal, traditional perspective). In normal conversation, or in other media, there is no way this topic would/should be discussed. However in this format, it just works.

I feel your pain ... I have t-shirts that I got in when I was in high school that still (barely) fit me ... but they are SOOOO soft and worn in they are like silk ... sure I could through them out ... but I won't.

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