Damn Computer!
These Things

Juicy Must Die!

OK, I had to take a moment and share the horror.  I was shopping for swimwear and came across these monstrosities.  As if swimsuit shopping isn’t hard enough!  And I was just looking for a new pair of board shorts, damnit!  (Which have been hard to find, so I must assume they are not en vogue anymore; because, of course, why should something so practical last forever?  But I’m not bitter.)

Um, that spiral is in exactly the WRONG place.


Because nothing shows off your stretch marks like brass rings!


Excuse me, I’m off to swim now… in my vagina suit!


And finally, the ever present Juicy.  I’m not saying I haven’t seen a few cute things in their collection but I’ve never understood the writing-across-the-butt thing.  Especially wearing the word “juicy”.  (Especially paying the price demanded to wear the word “juicy” across your ass.)


I mean you might as well just go to the beach in this:


Please note that all of the above hideousness is considered “designer” swimwear.  Thus proof that the line between trailer trash and high fashion is about as thin as Brittany Spears’ thong.      

            - wg


Diana Keller

Loved the lst suit. Laughed loud enough for my 6 yo to come out and ask "what's so funny. " I better watch out, next year he'll read and understand!I think I see a new designing career in your future!


What...were you saying something?

Distracting as all the above are, I have to admit that even my demented, bottom-of-the-dumpster morals would not allow me anywhere near someone advertising "drippy & moist" on their ass.


Yeah I would need:

Bleeding and moist.

Hooray for 'roids.

And hey, what do you have against brass rings? :)


Is it me or does the vagina suit make that models' boobs look REALLY lopsided?? It's just not right.

the weirdgirl

There is SO MUCH wrong with the vagina suit... but yeah, her poor boobs aren't looking good. (I'm sure the guys will beg to differ.)


This post made me laugh heartily. Wow. And yeah, vagina suit lady's boobs are crazy wrong.


By putting it in this group, you almost made the spiral suit look good. Almost.


Feel free to start doing a weekly review of designer swimwear. Complete with pictures, of course.

All kidding aside, I LOVED the "Thus proof that the line between trailer trash and high fashion is about as thin as Brittany Spears’ thong" line.


Looking back at the boobs vagina suit, did you notice the smaller picture that shows the tie in the back for the top? Tie it just a little tighter and you'll get even more separation for your cans. Ugh, that's just what we need.


I love it! And imagine the tanlines you'd get from the brass ring or vagina suits.


I saw a mother, daughter pair in the mall not long ago who both had something scrawled across the arch of their backside. What a bond these two must have.

Igmar Fillipé

I have been studying the included photos very intently for the past several hours. I'm not sure what your post was about, but I am praying that a follow-up is planned.

I think you gals may be on to something with the butt-scrawl trend. I'm seeing a whole line of pants and shorts with "reality" messages.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

To add insult to injury these are most likely at least $250 each.

I hate bathing suit season.


Sorry, I was distracted by the pictures. I generally read you for the articles :-)


I long for the day when 1920's era suits come back into vogue. Yes, bloomers and all to hide my middle-aged spread.

the weirdgirl

LOL! I love how the guys are appreciating this post for entirely different reasons than us women.

I love those vintage swimsuits. So cute! I don't know how many people would buy them but I wish they made reproductions. We looked (in vain) for one of those black and white striped ones for the baby. (But I think Keen would wear one too, just for the hell of it.)

I do think we should start "reality messaging" on clothing. I'm a little tired of all the "cutie" t-shirts out there. When I was pregnant I really wanted one that said "Knocked Up" and I couldn't find one anywhere!


Shouldn't the swirls be on the top on that first swimsuit.


Everytime I pull check for updates, those pictures pop up. People walking by my cubicle might get the wrong idea :)

Black Belt Mama

Nicely done. You are so right about the line being ever so thin.


Ahhhhh-hahahahahahahaha! Juicy and Moist is hot. If they made that I would so buy. I've been *meaning* to go bathingsuit shopping but I am slightly terrified. One piece or two? What to do!? The belly is freakish but a one-piece makes me feel like a mom. Like my mom. Perhaps you have just inspired a blog. Yes. Hmmmm...

The Phoenix

Wow...you need more posts like this!

But seriously, I think the stupid sayings on the bottom are dumb. They need more realistic ones like: "Sticky and picky"

or maybe, "No soup for you!"

the weirdgirl

GGC, I hear you. So far I've only tried on one suit and that scared me so bad I switched to looking at board shorts.

Fuzz and Phoenix - between the two of you you guys would have quite a line of swimwear! (Keen really enjoyed "sticky and picky"... and the swirls.)


So I guess I shouldn't feel weird when I go to the Dunes at Lake Michigan tomorrow fully dressed...

Her Bad Mother

OMG with the laughing. That damp area just got a little damper. Fracking useless Kegels.


Image and video hosting by TinyPic


OK, I know this is an old post, but I had to share this story with someone. The other day I was in the line at the grocery store and I noticed that the attractive young girl in front of me had something written on the backside of her sweatpants. I subtly glanced down and saw that, in fact she had "CHER" on her butt. That was extremely puzzling- why would a teenager have an aging pop-singer's name plastered on their rear-end??? Then she daintily picked her "wedgie" exposing the second "E"... Ahhhhh...

Scott M.

The woman in the first picture is underweight, so is the one wearing the "juicy" swimsuit. Most female celebrities and models in this country are underweight--grossly underweight. Woman are not biologically designed to be lean--they're meant to have more body fat than men. I prefer voluptuous women. And I recently found out that I'm not alone. According to a recent survey, most American men prefer a woman who's a size 10. Not 3, not even 6--but 10. (Incidentally, the average American woman is 5'4" tall, and weighs 153 lbs.; 60% of American women are size 12 or over.) Now I realize not all women can be voluptuous. But no woman should be underweight, for obvious reasons. And the BMI (Body Mass Index) is not completely reliable, because it doesn't take into account the skeletal size of a person--only the height. For example, according to the BMI, I should weigh between 190 and 200 lbs, because I'm 6'3" tall. But that's inaccurate, because I have a large skeletal frame. Instead, I should weigh no less than 210 lbs. What I'm getting at is this: Women need to stop comparing themselves to female celebrities and models. Because, in doing so, they're killing themselves. The Barbie Doll is one of the most dangerous things ever invented (one anatomist said that the Barbie Doll's figure is, in fact, anatomically impossible). And ever since Twiggy hit the scene, in 1966, the female celebrities--the role models--have been unintentionally killing hundreds of women. Because they've been getting thinner and thinner and thinner. I can't even get aroused by the women in "Playboy" or "Penthouse", they're so repulsively underweight. The Barbie Doll's figure needs to be altered, and most of the female celebrities and models need to gain at least 10 lbs. American women are going to continue starving themselves to death, unless the above occurs. As for me, I'd rather have sex with a woman who's 20 lbs. overweight than 10 lbs. underweight.

bedroom furniture

great man :D

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