Ah, and it has that clean citrus smell too!

I heart the Internet. The crazy entertainment/education/inspiration value is unbelievable. So two things I seem to be researching a lot lately are resources for my son and research on fertility.  Well, I stumble across a site listing “herbal contraceptives” and, even though this is the opposite of what I’m trying to achieve, I check it out just in case there's some supplement somewhere somehow I’m not supposed to be scarfing down.

Scanning through the list I was confidant early… “Wild Yam… nope! I buy mine at the store… Smartweed Seeds, no… Neem Oil... what the heck is Neem Oil?... Apricot Kernels… who in god’s name would eat apricot kernels?” and so on.

Then I hit Vitamin C.

Holy crap! I’m not supposed to be taking Vitamin C?! That wasn’t in any of the baby books! WTF?!

Digging deeper (you know, after I could breathe again) it turns out that, yes, there are two ways you can use Vitamin C to prevent conception. The first method recommended placing two vitamin C tablets up your hoo-hoo, either before intercourse or as an emergency measure after a condom breaks.  The idea is you raise the acidity level of your vag so that the sperm can’t survive.

The second method involves eating large amounts of vitamin C because the ascorbic acid can interfere with progesterone production (which, you know, pregnancy needs). This one freaked me out because, yes, I do take vitamin C! Fricking winter just ended! Colds are everywhere!

So… you know how most vitamin C chewables (I like chewables) are usually 500 mg? The recommended dosage for the internal contraceptive method is anywhere between 6 to 15 grams. That’s 6000 to 15000 mg!  (Yeah, I had to look up the math. What?)

This is the part that killed me… for both of these methods side effects listed included “irritation”. Ya think?! I mean, I took too many cranberry pills for a bladder infection once and gave myself stomach cramps… I can’t imagine taking 6-15 grams of vitamin C.  And nothing screams sexy like canoodling in an acid bath!

Now I might be a bit biased (not being into the hippie, uber-naturalist scene (OR that desperately horny)) but if I needed some birth control and it came down to

a condom (reduced sensitivity) VS. ascorbic acid (burning vagina)

I think I’m sticking with condoms.

But that’s just me.

      – the weirdgirl

*No horny hippies were harmed during this research.

Comments

[Jeanne]

Are you sure that's not a hornball hiding under the rug?

[Summer]

You are an absolute fucking riot!

[jason]

I just schooled in acidic naughty bits. Thanks.

[kim]

*snicker* I can't imagine putting VItamin C tabs, you know, up there. Also, that sounds OUCHY.

[peekay]

do you think they mean the flinstone chewables? are vaginas capable of chewing?

ok that was gross.

i have had a few friends go down the route of accupuncture! up for some detoxing with needles? they both had terrific results!

[foradifferentkindofgirl]

Cripes, I practically mainline Vitamin C, especially during fall and winter.

I am flabbergasted by this, and yet wonder if it leaves the hoo hoo fresh and fruity.

[Hannah]

Jeez, and people think condoms are a buzzkill - just how do you introduce the whole topic of "s'cuse me while I ram some vitamins up in my bidness"?

Crazy.

[Fuzz]

There is also the tried and true method of holding a Vitamin C tablet between your knees for a contraceptive device.

[the weirdgirl]

Jade - Given the last couple of posts it seems like I have sex on the brain doesn't it? But it's just genitalia.

Summer - why thank you.

Jason - Knowledge is Power! (And now you can protect your boys.)

Kim - Ouchy was exactly my impression. I have to be careful about which soap I use, I'm certainly not shoving anything potentially burning up there. (For the record, I'm not a fan of modern spermicides either.)

Peekay - there's actually a term for that! Vagina Dentata! Check it out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina_dentata. I'm scared of needles but I MAY consider acupuncture (maybe) at some point in the future. I've heard good things too.

foradifferentkindofgirl - Fresh and fruity! Ha ha! But if you had a choice wouldn't you rather be strawberry flavored or something like that?

Hannah - I know! Who goes along with this? Except maybe really horny teenagers who are too scared to buy condoms?

Fuzz - You're right and it's the only truly proven method, too! All without burning!

[the weirdgirl]

Hey Fuzz - After thinking about it more... maybe we should tell our kids about these horrible contraceptive methods. I've also heard that in ancient Egypt there was a method involving half a lemon rind and camel dung (sort of an early man's diaphragm). Maybe if we impress our kids that it's REALLY hard (and gross) to get birth control they'll just keep it in their pants a little longer. What do you think?