Fetishism Support Group Wanted
The Consequences

Today I hosted our small playgroup at my house and my son bit another child. I feel so mortified. He has never bit another child before. Me and his dad? Yes. Especially when he wasn’t quite talking yet, but then that behavior went away when he got more words. And then with the onslaught of the terrible twos he started again during tantrums, but that also waned and seemed to be under control. He’s always been more rough and tumble than the other kids, which we’ve been working on, but it’s been more from not knowing his own strength than being aggressive in a mean or bullying way. He also seems to have a high pain threshold so it’s been hard to teach empathy to a kid who brushes off pain even while his skinned knee is still bleeding.

I’m feeling at a loss here. And angry, and upset, and frustrated, and sad. It’s not like we’ve ever let him run wild, or give him his way at a drop of a hat. I’ve read the behavioral books. And two of my brothers had varying degrees of ADD so I learned that structure is important (plus I just didn’t put up with a whole lot growing up the only girl in a family of boys). He has good (I thought) boundaries. I’ve never been hugely concerned with volume control so he can be louder than the other kids. It just seems like lately he is pushing his boundaries a lot. I know part of it is, yeah, terrible twos and a lot of changes lately… but you know that other part, because there always is another part to everything, just feels like I’m failing at my job

I know that he knows he is not supposed to bite. Hurting other people is just not acceptable. 

No one wants their kid to be that child.  (It’s hard to even write that.) Or labeled as that child when you know the bad behavior is the exception and not the norm.

If anyone has had experience with this I’d be so grateful to hear how you handled it.

 - wg

P.S. The other playgroup parents were incredibly gracious about the incident which just made me feel worse.

Comments

Creative Guy

Get him a Hannibal Lecter restraint mask play kit for Christmas. Keep that little nibbler away from me! LOL.

Fuzz

Don't beat yourself up over it. Kids will be kids. Sometimes that's the bad as well as the good. Just keep teaching good behavior and he will learn.

Kristen

Maybe you should start feeding him :)

But seriously, I imagine how hard that was. I'd feel the same way.

Chag

I feel your pain. My daughter bit a schoolmate once, also when she was two. I've been told that a good number of kids bite at least once. Of course, they might have just been trying to make me feel better.

We just told her that biting was unacceptable behavior and asked her how would she feel if someone bit her. It never happened again.

Don't doubt yourself. You're a great mom.

Jennifer

YOU ARE NOT FAILING!

Kids are still kids. I think everyone goes through a biting stage.

True story: I once bit my MIL. I was having a sleep deprived induced freak out (long story) and she tried to shush me by covering my mouth so the neighbors wouldn't hear (we lived in a rice paper walled apartment at the time). I felt really bad after but she brushed it off. Then we laughed.

ktjrdn

I'm sorry. the only thing I acn say is that my kids were bitten by almost everyone in the class at one time or another. It really is common, and until it becaomes a repeat offense (by the same kid) I completely understand. It happens. I'm sure the other mothers really don't think bad things about you. And there is no reason too. (Except the whole mommy guilt thing that seems no one can escape from in some form or another)

Keep up what you are doing. I'm sure this won't last

Summer

Arg!! the biting! We went through a period of about 6 months of biting with my oldest. It's horrible to pick them up from school and to have to sign an "accident" report every day because your child is biting other kids.
From my limited experience, the terrible two's are not only about a lack of communication skills but also about "coming into their own". Realizing individuality and certain aggressive behaviors allow them to get what they want...whatever that may be. A toy, a snack, or to just release some pent up emotions. It's so very common and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I think most kids go through this.
It finally got to the point with Chloe (talking and reasoning with her did not help) that we had to take drastic measures. We decided that she would have to pick out a toy or book from home every time she bit another child and take it to them the next day. To be theirs. No longer her toy. She only bit twice more. This worked well for us but she was a serial biter;)

Riley

I wish I had something for you. My mother in law told me my husband used to be a biter and finally, one day, she bit him back. I personally would NOT recommend doing that, although she said he did stop.

And I think while the gracious parents would make me feel worse too, if they hadn't been gracious, I'd have probably gotten defensive and mad, which would have been worse in the long run.

the weirdgirl

Creative Guy - I know that's you, Steven. Not funny!

Fuzz, Kristen, Chag, & Katie - thanks, you guys.

Jennifer - this sounds horrible but I think would laugh if I bit my MIL, too.

Summer - actually, the toy thing sounds like a great idea. Since reasoning and timeouts haven't seemed to work with this, maybe that's the next step. Though my son did seem really, really embarrassed that he was put in timeout (alone, in his room) with all his friends over and still playing... so maybe it'll sink in that biting is not the way to go(?). It's hard to know what will affect a change in behavior sometimes.

Riley - yeah, I know. I appreciate them being gracious, better than if they had gotten mad, but I still feel crummy. Thanks, though!

Jade

Does this mean I need to stop play-nibbling the boy? It's part of our fun and he always laughs!

I would be worried if it was agressive acting out (or happened again), then try to find the cause of the behavior. I can't imagine Chance trying to hurt another kid. Maybe getting a particular toy like any kid would, but not just being mean when he gets so excited about having other kids around.

Andrea

Dawn at the Gimlet Eye has experience with this. Here's the link: http://gimleteye.clubmom.com/ She's an Early Childhood educator and has been the director of a day care before. She's getting her PhD in Early Childhood Education right now. Plus? Her child was a biter. Not only did she have to figure out a way to stop the behavior, she also, as the director of the center, had to inform the parents of the bitten child(ren) of the incident and deal with any backlash from the whole thing. I bet she would have some ideas.

You are not failing. Failing would be if you didn't care he bit someone, didn't think his biting was cause to be concerned. You are doing fine. I wish I could give you the answer, but a link and a sympathetic hug are about all I can do. I hope it helps.

betsy

My kid was a shover, rather than a biter. It happens, and he will grow out of it. The other parents were gracious about it because they have kids too and are secretly happy that THIS TIME it wasn't their kid who did the biting.

Jill

On Friday my 3 1/2yo son shoved a 2 1/2yo girl off a toy slide and she got some real scrapes and lumps in the short fall. Her mother let me have it in front of the rest of the playgroup and their husbands (Happy Hour playgroup!) (She's an only child, mine has a 6yo brother and the shove wouldn't have been a big deal among a pack of boys their ages, but there were lots of little ones there too. And she got hurt.) I have a meeting at her home tonight and decided to put an apology (she wouldn't accept one at the playgroup) in her mailbox today before I have to see her tonight. I feel like shit.

In addition, we thought we'd ended the hitting at home but in the past week he's hit/kicked (used to sometimes bite) his brother a lot. (He's never hurt anyone BUT his brother, me or his dad however. I guess this is good; his teachers always adore him, but why us?!) When it happened at breakfast this morning I did the biggest punishment I thought I could dole out: he had to stay home from his 2nd day of preschool today. I'm not thrilled to have him, but telling him he can't go to Big Boy school until he behaves like one seemed like my only option that hadn't been tried already.

We used a behavior chart with him a few months ago and it helped a lot. He went two weeks first, while we were visiting his beloved Papa and wanted to impress him. Then, once we got home I started him on a sticker chart and after two more good weeks of no hurting anyone we went to Target and he picked out (of all things) a new babydoll. I thought we'd finally graduated out of the "Throes of Threes" and life was improving. Language ability has helped a lot (the hitting was a dozen times a day last year) and we've also worked on strategies for "getting our angries out". I'll remind myself of his progress and suck it up tonight. He'll get there. I know he has a good conscience; he cried when he hurt the little girl.

m

My son (he is almost 5) threw a fit and bit me in the middle of buying some furniture this spring. It bled, BAD, everywhere - he was so terrified that he made me bleed, he has not done it since. I dont know how helpful that is considering he had to traumatize himself in order to not do it anymore.
I felt like a total failure quietly crying hand bloody and swollen in a showroom of complete strangers all staring at me like I was the worst parent on earth?!

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