Why Parents of Toddlers are Healthier than the Average American

The daily workout:

Bend at waist 20 times sequentially, intermingled with squats, at least five times a day because toddler has decided that the phrase “pick up your toys” no longer applies. (Abs, core strength training)

Five to eight reps of lunges every time child tries to escape diaper and/or clothes changing. Can also be used in conjunction with face scrubbings.  (Glutes)

Intersperse Giant’s Farmer’s Walk, Africa Stone, or Carry and Drag, all otherwise known as carrying your protesting toddler. (Biceps and core strength)

(Women only) Run up the stairs. Run up the stairs again. Ten minutes later, run up the stairs. Curse pregnancy-induced memory loss for zapping the needed up errand from your brain. Stomp feet if needed. (Aerobic, cardio-vascular)

Manage at least one full-blown tantrum. Alternative – speak and listen to the word “no” while engaging in combative bantering with toddler 500 times daily. (Emotional exhaustion burns calories. Frustration adds to cardio-vascular health.)

(Men and Women) Run after child.  Run after child again. Remove illicit items, stop activities, rescue cat, etc. (See “combative bantering,” results of.)

Weight training – drag clinging child through daily chores while she/he is wrapped around leg. Occasionally pry off child and alternate legs for maximum efficiency. (Sudden resurfacing of separation anxiety adds to benefits of frustration and exhaustion.)

More weight training – pack bags for outings, also called Fridge Carry.

You too can be this healthy… start the proven “Terrible Twos Regimen” today! (Results of emotional stability may vary. Shipping child off to grandma’s may slow down or decrease benefits of workout and provide overall time for undisturbed eating, rest, or novel-reading, which could adversely affect the state of living with a toddler. If, while living with a toddler, you experience extended periods of tranquility (not including the state of grace induced by “big hugs”), cooperation, or uninterrupted chore completion please alert the proper medical professional because this might be an indication that you are one lucky son of a bitch or have another serious underlying condition.)  

  - wg

Comments

[Jennifer]

No wonder my diet of potato chips hasn't done me too much harm.

Hélas, my kids are getting older now so this toddler exercise regime needs some some revising...

[KC]

Love it! What a great entry!

[Riley]

Soooooo friggin hilarious! I may wind up copying this idea. I hope that's okay. I'll give you credit, of course ;)

[the weirdgirl]

Jennifer, yeah, my diet of chocolate cookies isn't hurting too much either.

Thanks KC!

Riley, go for it!

[AdventureDad]

As a father on long term paternity leave with two kids I agree with everything! Add in one daily workout at the gym plus there is no time to eat. There is always someone that needs a nap, a snack, poop, or food.

AD

[croutonboy]

I'm doing something wrong, 'cause with all the workout I seem to be gaining wait. Maybe it's all the alcohol I need to consume just to get through the day...

[heidi]

A good argument for the 'cake on why we should get started on the baby factory! Next time even so much as mentiones working out...

[Summer]

As I was reading this I found myself nodding my head saying yep, uh-huh, that's me daily...this is too funny and oh so true!
I'm going to link this post on my blog.

[Matthew]

I so don't need to work out anymore. I'm already doing it! Thanks!