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A Taste of the Worst

So during delurker week Bill asked how my house hunting was going. Well folks, I gotta tell ya… I am pretty burnt out on the house hunting. Nothing has been quite right, there’s a lot of crap out there, and the few gems are either out of our price range or just priced too high for what you’re getting. And Keen and I refuse to be pressured into paying too much for a house that isn’t quite right. We’re not suckers, you know, you greedy, non-termite-disclosing jerks! (But I’m not bitter.) At this point, I really need a break. (Which basically means anal me will only look at the house listings once a week instead of multiple times.  Let go, wg. Let go.)

On THAT cheerful note* I’ve decided to share some of the more awful houses with you a little early instead of saving my top ten until the end… because who knows how long this house-hunt is going to go, at this point? (Please say Spring.)

So here you go, Five of the Worst Houses in no particular ranking order. (I’ve been very tempted to take pictures and post them but I’m pretty sure I’d get sued.)

The House of Tile – This house (and the next) Keen and I looked at when we were looking for the house we’re in now, but it was SO memorable I had to share! When I say house of tile I literally mean the entire house was tiled. EVERY room had some sort of tile. Because, oh yes, they not only tiled the entire house but they used different types of tiling in different rooms. Non-matching tiles. For example, the front entrance had slate, which abruptly ended where the living room began for some type of adobe, then another stonework started in the dining room. And this was an fairly open layout house. The kitchen had linoleum tiles (not continuous linoleum, but like where you could see it was meant to look like tiling). And I swear to god, there was a back room with good old-fashioned brick pavers. IN the house!

The House of Shag – The ENTIRE house was carpeted, most of it that mile-high stringy-looking shag from the… OK, I don’t even know what era. Even in the kitchen and… THE BATHROOM!  SHAG carpeting in the bathroom. (Do you feel dirty? Because I sure did.) At least in the kitchen they had the sense to put in some flat, berber-like carpeting, but still.  And that carpet had been there a while.  So disgusting it still makes me shudder.

The House of Pee – You know, when the real estate agent showing the house is sitting outside on the porch the entire time that there’s a problem. The house, frankly, smelled like cat urine.  And it wasn’t like there was carpeting so you could just pull it up and solve the problem. No. It had all wood floors. So ye-eah, that smell is soaked in.  Otherwise, the house was fricking adorable. English Cottage style, beautifully maintained. There was even a large, airy bonus room in the back, completely separate from the house. Hmmm. I wonder why?

The Miami Vice House of Termites – Man, oh man, this one is so much worse than even the title implies. My agent and I got all excited because it was the right price, great street, perfect size… and then we saw it. Picture, if you will, another lovely little cottage style home, this includes vaulted ceilings, exposed beams along the roof, and window seats. Then imagine someone in the mid-to-late eighties decided to just PIMP OUT THE CRIB ala Rico Tubbs. Obviously, this person did not consider that the two styles – English Country and eighties disco – really don’t go together. Jutting out over the living room was this god-awful rounded monstrosity of a balcony with a pipe railing. (For those of you unfamiliar with pipe railing, it’s pipe used as a railing. And yes, painted it’s just as ugly as you imagine.) This person basically took what had once been the upper floor, knocked out all the walls, and made it into one giant pimp daddy loft overlooking the living room and the kitchen. (So I guess he could, what? Watch his ho’s cook?) They were marketing that as the fourth bedroom.  Somewhere along the way someone also added on a separate suite onto the back of the house to be used as a rental. There were two kitchens essentially kitty corner to each other. The layout, in general, was odd. Then I think the last owner decided to try to bring the house back to it’s previous glory… but I’m not sure he or she knew what they were doing. There were random holes cut into the walls. Instead of buying curved baseboard to fit around a wall this person had cut little pieces of wood to make it fit (like tile). Chair railing had been added along the sunken living room, which was more period but looked really odd next to the pipe railing that was still in the staircase.  Oh yeah, and there was obvious ongoing termite damage to boot (as in fresh droppings in the middle of the floor). 

The House I Didn’t See But Was All Excited About the Square Footage At A Great Price AND Right In the Neighborhood We Wanted – When my real estate agent, on location, called me on the phone and said, “WG, you know I’ve been in this business a long time… (long pause) …someone needs to take a match to this place,” I decided not to bother. 

I am ready for Spring, people. – the weirdgirl

*Boy, do I sound cranky every time I talk about houses!

Comments

Jennifer

Gads I can relate. It took hubs and I 3 years to find a house.

Three years!

I thought I was going to go mental in that 2 bedroom apartment with two toddlers in the meantime.

Mental I tell you.

And I don't know about the States, but houses in France are a freaking disaster.

Bill Beck

They should combine all the house and do an ad campaign on what people are not looking for in a home. Can you imagine a pee smelling, termite ridden, shag covered house with tile on the ceilings?

Oh and thanks for 2 plugs in a week!!!

KC

Your list is hilarious! Maybe not hilarious to you, but from someone on the outside looking in, it's very funny. Thanks for sharing!

Jade

Our local DJ "No Name" will be on House Dective soon. I hear he's going into local homes and fixing some problems. Sounds like he needs to find these homes to really make a difference.

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